Harry Potter and the Amorphous Blob
by ClanCur
Summary: The members of Clan Cur Roleplaying play a Harry Potter themed DnD match featuring permanent emotional scarring, horrrible sex jokes, a multiple-personality warlock and all things that are in horrible taste. Harry Potter Session 1
1. Prologue: Of Dice and Men

Prologue: Of Dice And Men

This prologue is not absolutely essential to read to understand the following story. It is just a dramatized (though, for the most part, accurate) description of the players you will encounter in the story and how the whole concept began. This is useful if you want some backstory, but you will miss nothing critical if you choose to jump right into the action.

"I was actually planning something like that," said Brendan. He and Micah were sitting at his place discussing their rather uneventful spring plans. Micah had suggested forming a group to play Dungeons and Dragons.

"Only," Micah had clarified. "I don't want it to be, like, strict dungeons and dragons rules, you know?"

Brendan had agreed to that point instantly. Strict obedience to the rules was not in their nature anyways.

"What kind of ideas did you have in mind?" Brendan asked.

"Well I plan on doing a Zombie Apocalypse one. Really get you inside the element of fear, you know?" Micah suggested.

Brendan nodded. Micah had an uncanny taste for the macabre, but usually it was limited to tasteless jokes and a love of the horror genre. It would be interesting to see what he did with a dungeons and dragons setting.

"In fact, Josh, Meg, Stefanie and I did one a couple nights ago. It was pretty cool. But that was really just the prototype," Micah went on. "What about you? What would you want to do?"

Brendan rubbed his chin and lit up his iPad. He figured he better start taking notes.

Meghan was Micah's younger sister. He had two brothers and another sister besides Meghan, but they didn't often come in contact with them just due to distance. Meghan had once been described by Brendan as a "giggling JPOP creature". It kind of annoyed him, but on retrospect all of his friends were (at least) a little annoying.

Stefanie was Micah's fiancé. He didn't know much about her, except that she loved Zombies and that Micah couldn't shut up about her. Micah kept insisting that the two had to meet eventually and this might be a good opportunity to do it.

Josh was an obvious choice for a player; he and Brendan were brothers. Josh and Meghan used to date, but remained good friends to this day. They had their own little language, probably because Josh was nearly as rambunctious as she was, although as Josh had gotten older he'd developed some restraint, unlike Meghan. Along with their youngest brother Eric, who was still in High School, they and their parents made up the Mitri family.

Brendan's father Mike was Lebanese and his mother Cheryl half-Asian, giving Brendan a very indefinable complexion. Whether or not he liked to admit it, with the beard, he looked very much like his father.

_Except for my eyes, _Brendan thought humorously, even though this was not the case. And then it hit him.

"Well," Brendan said. "I kinda thought a Harry Potter one would be funny."

Micah folded his arms. "Beat me to the punch. I was planning on doing one, but I never got it out of the 'planning' stage. Ah well, you're a friggin' encyclopedia when it comes to that stuff."

Brendan nodded. "Well, I've been talking to Jacob and he wants to bring back his old Star Wars DnD."

Jacob, and his Star Wars DnD was the stuff of legends. It was the first DnD experience they had all had. The most memorable session Micah had actually recorded, and it had lasted over 10 hours.

Jacob himself was almost as big a show-boater as Micah tended to be. He was bursting with confidence and sometimes over-confidence. He did have a track record of doing foolish things just for the fun of doing them, but the results were always fun to watch. He was also an excellent Dungeon Master, better than either Brendan or Micah.

"That'd be fun," Micah nodded. "Well we need to do a session or two before Meghan moves out to California."

Brendan blinked, and then shook his head. He'd almost forgotten that in only about three months, Meghan would be leaving them for Los Angeles to go live with her and Micah's oldest brother.

"We'll have her join the other sessions via Skype, no worries. Put her down," Micah insisted. "Who else should we invite?"

"Well," Brendan thought. "There's always Sam…"

Sam was not as reliable these days as he used to be. Brendan supposed there was a lot going on in his life at the moment (even though he wasn't technically employed) but it was sad that he wasn't around much these days. When he did hang around he was usually laid back and good for a laugh or two. But lately…

"Well invite him. If nothing else it'll show we'd like his company," Micah said. "We should probably invite Heather too."

"And Emma," Brendan nodded.

Heather was a mutual friend of Brendan's and Micah's. Brendan and Heather used to date, but things did not work out there. There had been some bad blood but that had long since passed. Hell, there'd been even worse bad blood between Micah and Brendan but that had long since been washed away in the past.

Heather was simple and somewhat emotionally fragile. This had magnified since her pregnancy (which incidentally was not caused by Brendan). Still, the group had long since determined that she did not mean to cause anybody problems but she was maybe just a tad clumsy. And besides her heart was always in the right place, and considering some of the people the group had known that meant a lot.

Emma was a new friend, Brendan and her had gone on a couple of dates, but it wasn't anything serious. Not yet, at any rate. Emma was on the surface a quiet introvert, but if you were able to open her up there was a very kind-hearted person underneath. She, like everybody else in the group, had a slightly twisted sense of humor, although Brendan and Emma were probably the most "normal" people in it.

"Well I think that's everybody," Micah said. "And I'm just gonna take a wild guess and say that you and I are playing too, huh?"

"Well, no shit Micah," Brendan replied responding aptly to Micah's terrible joke.

Micah was an unusual person. He kind of hit the full range of personages from asinine twit, to quiet intellect. Although the dial was usually switched to the asinine twit. He had a few moments of brilliance and none could argue that he wasn't creative, determined and resourceful. But he was first and foremost a show-man who loved to be the center of attention.

Then there was Brendan himself. How would he describe himself, he wondered? Intelligent definitely. Well-learned, which Brendan understood to be a very different thing from intelligent. He was socially awkward and wondered often what he had done to attract Emma. He also had a tendency to be slightly self-centered, but in an indirect way- he never tried to screw over anybody to get what he wanted. And driven, he'd say, but then Micah would be a smartass and point out that a number of his projects were abandoned. This would of course prove Micah a hypocrite as he had just as many abandoned projects.

Upon realizing that, Brendan shot Micah a look. Micah returned the look as though he'd been thinking the exact same thing. The two had developed a sort of "one mind" as Micah had described it. Their thoughts and fears often seemed to mirror each other.

"We should probably start planning this stuff out," Micah said. "Get things started right away or else we'll forget to do it."

And that was where Micah and Brendan had their greatest differences. Micah could charitably be described as a man of action, but more accurately described as a fool who rushed in where angels feared to tread. But, he did manage to get shit done. Brendan was more methodical, and a bit of a perfectionist. The downside to this caution is that sometimes he planned and planned and forgot to actually do the project he'd been planning which is something that Micah often chastised him for.

"If we leave the project to you," he had once said during an argument. "You'll plan this thing right into the grave."

But he definitely needed to plan this out, otherwise it would be terrible. Perhaps a compromise of ideals was in order here.

"We'll need to plan these DnDs out," Brendan said. "But I agree we need to have a session as soon as possible."

"Makes sense," Micah nodded. "I recommend you create a Facebook group to put us all together so everybody can get notified of session dates."

"Sure," Brendan agreed. He sighed. "I don't want to call it Dungeons and Dragons though. I mean we're not gonna follow the Dungeons and Dragons model, are we?"

"Hell no. I thought we already agreed to that. We'll just go with Roleplaying… well that's kinda boring we need a name," Micah said, rubbing his chin and leaning back in his chair.

"You're right. Well we could always use the Mountain Cur label," Brendan suggested.

Mountain Cur was the name of his film company which Micah had been helping with lately. The two had done student films in High School, Micah under the name Wicked Panda Productions and him under REC Studios. They had combined recently under The American Gentleman label but then the aforementioned bad blood had resulted in the dissolution of that group. Mountain Cur was the latest incarnation, although Micah claimed to be doing short films under the moniker Identity Crisis Media.

So far there hadn't been a single film put out.

_Now who's planning stuff into the grave, _he thought sardonically.

"I like that… only let's change it up a bit. It's DnD-ish, so let's call it Clan Cur Roleplaying," Micah amended.

"That's great!" Brendan nodded. "You know, I think we can have our first session maybe in a month?"

"Can you have everything ready by then?" Micah asked.

"It might be a little raw, but I'm sure I'll be good by then," Brendan said.

"Okay," Micah nodded. "This weekend then."


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: King's Cross Station

Micah's studio apartment was surprisingly roomy. Brendan, Josh, Meghan, Stefanie and, of course, Micah were all present. The place was covered in snacks and drinks although there wasn't much in the way of decoration. Micah had promised for his "Zombie Apocalypse" DnD there would be appropriate décor, but this session had kind of been thrown together last minute.

There were a few things, such as Micah's copy of _Quidditch Throughout The Ages_ and some printed up _Daily Prophets_ which Micah had taken the time to make himself with the backstory for the game they would be playing tonight. For tonight these champions among men and women would be partaking in the most awesome sport known to man.

They were playing some Dungeons and Dragons.

To add to the intense awesomeness which anybody hearing that must have thought this was a Harry Potter Dungeons and Dragon which Brendan had developed himself from scratch. The group that gathered here tonight met under the banner of Clan Cur Roleplaying, a small group of friends with a shared passion for random DnD experiences with completely unusual outcomes.

Micah insisted on recording all these sessions as they were often hilarious, and Brendan had obliged, using his iPhone to record the session. They had set it down on a whiteboard which lay flat on the carpet to provide a clearer sound; one of the better ideas.

"Hello hello," Josh said, speaking into a Microphone which Micah had also set up, rather pointlessly as that recording would later be scrapped as the iPhone picked up everyone perfectly.

"Okay so Stefanie you're name is Lisbeth Lecter. You've chosen a wand made of Ash wood, 13 inches with Unicorn Hair. You're perk is that you're a Parselmouth and you are a Pureblood," Brendan confirmed.

Stefanie nodded. "Yes."

"You already know what I am," Micah announced. "Richard Cumwell III, Maple wand 13 ½ inches with Dragon Heartstring. I'm a Metamorphmagus and a Half-Blood."

"Ew, don't touch me then," Stefanie smirked getting into character. Micah had his arm around her back.

"I'm, uh, Jokstica," Meghan said.

"We need a full name," Brendan said.

"Well I don't know. Jokstica Something… just use Something as my last name. Mahogany Wand, 14 inches, Phoenix Feather. I'm a Half-Blood and… what do I want my perk to be?"

"What do you think you'd be good at?" Micah asked.

"I don't know, just make me a natural flyer. That could come in handy," Meghan said.

"And you Josh?" Brendan asked.

"Just call me That Guy With The Hat," Josh said.

"So much for having to have a full name," Meghan smirked.

"I've got a Snake Bone wand, seven inches with Unicorn Hair. I'll also be a Metamorphmagus and… can I just withhold my blood status?" Josh asked.

"Uh, sure, that's fine," Brendan nodded.

"Okay are we ready?" Meghan asked.

"I think we are," Brendan nodded.

The background musical overture from Harry Potter reached a climax and ended adding a period to this declaration.

"Perfect timing with the music!" Micah called out.

The game had begun.

==_King's Cross Station_==

Richard Cumwell III found himself at King's Cross Station. The great scarlet steam engine, the sounds of excited children. He looked around at all the others just like him. For some of them this might be their first time visiting this place. However, for him and his classmates, it would be their first time boarding the Hogwarts Express.

He felt himself get shoved to the side by a young bossy looking girl with short curly brunette hair. She looked back and gave him a contemptuous look, but then walked snootily onto the Hogwarts Express.

"What's her problem?" Richard wondered.

_Lisbeth Lecter_

Lisbeth shoved past the boring looking young man. She turned around and glared at him. She could tell just by looking at him what a waste of time he was. It wasn't just that tacky second-hand robe, but that inexcusable wizard's hat that he wore. It wasn't like anything she'd ever seen before. It was more like a Top Hat, except for it was about four sizes too big for his head.

"Must come from a poor family," Lisbeth said to herself as she made her way to her compartment.

She looked around for a place to sit when she heard some voices coming from a cabin near by. There were a few older voices and they were talking about a variety of enchanting subjects. The size of their mansions, pranks they had pulled on their servants, and Lisbeth's personal favorite, which House Elf could, and _had_, won in a fight to the death against one another.

It was clear enough to her that she had found her people, and as she opened the cabin she was not surprised to see a shower of green all around her. Everybody in this cabin was, or was very likely going to be, a Slytherin.

"Room for one more?" Lisbeth asked, not bothering to wait for approval before sitting down.

_The Guy With The Hat_

Guy With The Hat, they called him. If that clown in the oversized top-hat was gathering attention, then he certainly was. It wasn't enough that he had just proceeded to win a galleon (well technically a galleon and a knut) at a rather secretive and rather illegal game of Exploding Snap, but his own hat was more like an adventurer's cap. It was dusky and worn. It was also slightly bigger than need be, but it had apparently been his father's who himself had been quite the magical adventurer. It reminded him of a hat that he had once seen a Muggle hero known as "Indiana Jones" wear. It was slightly different as this hat was magically enchanted to always stay with its wearer unless the wearer chose to remove it.

And so he had been called Guy With The Hat by his friends. Nobody knew, or cared to know, his true name. And that was the way he preferred it.

As he walked down the platform to prepare to enter the Hogwart's Express he was startled by hearing a little girl shout at the top of her lungs: "SOMEONE TALK TO MEEEEE!"

He paused just long enough to give her a look which was half-annoyed and half-terrified before turning away. He walked onto the train and while the sweets trolley operator wasn't looking he swiped two Cauldron cakes. Now he would just have to wait for the right sucker to play a game with. If there was one thing he was good at, it was biding his time.

He approached one of the cabins and saw a boy sitting by himself. He casually tossed the second Cauldron Cake at him.

"Hey, we're friends now," The Guy With The Hat said simply, sitting down in the cabin beside him.

"Do… do I have to do anything?" The kid asked.

"Yeah, go get me a pumpkin juice," he replied.

"Okay!"

_Jokstica Something_

Jokstica had kept her eyes closed the entire time she had walked through the barrier. She hadn't dared open her eyes the entire time and yet foolishly kept moving until she collided with the train itself. She opened her eyes and all she saw was metal. She panicked. Had she done something wrong, she thought? Even though voices were all around her and they all sounded perfectly calm, and even though simply turning her head to the left or right would have solved the problem, the panic stricken girl just screamed as loud as she could.

"SOMEONE TALK TO MEEEE!"

A young boy passed by her but stopped. She turned and saw where she was. She was on the platform, and there were several people, including this young boy, now staring at her. The boy gave her a puzzled and irritated sort of look and then boarded the train.

She looked around and saw a creepy man wearing a trenchcoat sitting on the bench. He was escorted away by two guards.

"Ew," she said, moving towards the train. She saw a boy wearing a really odd hat starting to board the train and a devilish streak suddenly hit her.

She made a move to trip him, but managed to trip herself in the process.

"Ouch!" She whined.

"Hey Upfish, look! Somebody who's even dumber than you!" The boy screamed as he ran into the train.

Apparently he was chasing after somebody as all that Jokstica heard after that was a loud wailing from within. She stood up, dusted herself off and entered the train. She saw the trolley lady and her stomach began to rumble. Breakfast had seemed like such a long time ago.

"Uh… how much is a sickles worth of snacks?" She asked.

The lady gave her an annoyed look. "How much is a sickles worth of snacks? It's a sickle."

Jokstica trembled. "I… I mean what can I get for a sickle?"

"You can get a pack of gum," the lady said.

"Uh… what can I get for five sickles?" Jokstica asked.

The lady was clearly annoyed now. She sighed. "Five packs of gum," she looked at her trolley. "Or a Cauldron Cake."

"I'll take a Cauldron cake," she said, handing over the five silver coins. She entered a cabin and saw that there was one lone boy.

"I'm Jokstica," she said. "Wanna be my friend?"

The boy looked at her with a mixture of annoyance and terror. "Uh… well what's in it for me?"

"You… wanna split a Cauldron Cake?"

"Sweet!"

_Richard Cumwell III_

Richard was not well in the head. He could act like a decent guy usually, but he wasn't. He always felt like there was more than just one person inside of him. Sometimes he would want to behave, and he would try really hard to behave, but then something burst out of him.

That moment happened just now as he approached an awkward looking boy who was standing by himself.

"Hello," Richard said. "My name is Richard Cumwell III. What's your name?"

"Oh… hello," the boy said. "My name is… its Upfish."

"Upfish? What kind of a name is Upfish?" Richard laughed.

To his terror, the boy began wailing. He could have sworn that was a joke. Could that possibly really be his name?

"Why do you have to make fun of me?!" He sobbed. "Why does everyone have to make fun of my name!"

"I'm not trying to insult you…" And then it happened. He had meant to console him, but something evil sprung out from inside of him and he just replied with "I'm just saying you're name is stupid and you should go kill yourself."

The boy ran inside and out of nowhere he felt an urge to chase him. He saw a girl try to trip him up, only managing to trip herself.

"Hey, Upfish, look! Somebody who's even dumber than you!" He yelled excitedly.

Upfish was fast and was well into the next train car by the time Richard's senses had caught up with him. What was he thinking? Why couldn't he control those thoughts and impulses? He resolved that he would go find Upfish, wherever he was, and apologize.

It took him almost a whole fifteen minutes to find him, he was sitting alone in a cabin and crying to himself.

"Hey Upfish, I'm sorry about before. I just… I was kidding is all, okay?"

"No, it's not that," Upfish said, continuing to cry. "It's my pet toad. I lost him."

"Hey, would it cheer you up if I found him for you?" Richard exclaimed.

"Well… yeah…" Upfish said.

"Well okay then I'll go look for him!" Richard said. Another urge and he looked down his pants. "Not down there!"

"That's not helping…" Upfish sighed.

Richard left the compartment, smacked himself in his head with his own hat and then continued the search. The train was crowded now and it couldn't be long before it took off. He did manage to hear a group of loud Slytherins talking about a frog. He opened the cabin. In the cabin across from his, the snooty looking girl from before saw him and glared.

"Hey buddies!" Richard shouted in a voice that was harsh and dark, and not his own. "What are you doing with my friend's toad?"

The older boy smirked. "We have it, what about it?"

"How'd you like to make an easy galleon?" Richard said. "You just hand me that toad, and your balls get to stay right where they are!"

The older boy leaned back. "How would _you _like to make an easy galleon?"

Richard folded his arms. Or maybe it wasn't Richard. His thoughts were swimming now, letting whatever was in charge of him take the helm. "How so?"

"See this Canary Cream? I want you to go feed it to Upfish," he smirked.

"I can do that. But give me the frog too," Richard said. "That way after he's turned into a canary I can squish this stupid little thing in front of his fat face!"

The boy looked stunned. "That's…. that's sick! I love it. I'll give you two Galleons for that!"

And so with two fresh gold coins sitting in his pocket he returned to Upfish. Completely not himself, but strangely enjoying seeing how whatever dark inner urge was suddenly externalizing itself would handle the situation.

"Hey Upfish," he said. "I found your toad."

"You did?!" Upfish cried in excitement.

"Yeah I did. And I felt really bad about insulting you, so I brought you a cupcake," Richard said, handing Upfish the Canary Cream.

"Wow… this is the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me," Upfish said.

He proceeded to drop the cream on the floor but hastily picked it up and ate it. In a flash he was an overlarge canary with full plumage. Richard took the toad, dropped it on the ground and squished it in front of him. With Upfish beaked and sobbing, he left the cabin and returned to the Slytherins cabin.

There was a loud whistle and the train started to move. Before too long, these four students would be arriving at Hogwarts School For Witchcraft and Wizardry.

[Author's Note: Hear the Recording For This Session at: watch?v=y08ts9VWh7I]


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Are your sessions always this messed up?" Stefanie asked.

"Yes," Meghan replied immediately.

"Is that DnD in general or just-"

Micah cut her off. "No it's just us. Well some people are like us but not many."

"Yeah," Meghan added. "Most people are like 'You killed my Level 70 Paladin, how dare you!'"

Josh nodded. "I did attend one that was like that actually."

"We're more interesting than that," Brendan added. "Okay, so we're gonna fast forward through your years at Hogwarts. You can start choosing your skills…"

==_Hogwarts, Year 1_==

Richard, Lisbeth, Jokstica and the Guy With The Hat all stood together waiting for the Sorting Hat to pick their names. Lisbeth was looking bored, but had a grudging acceptance of her classmates. She had been the most friendly to Jokstica, which consisted of her saying that "at least she wasn't wearing a stupid hat". Both Richard and The Guy With The Hat had turned the other way.

Richard and The Guy With The Hat had also met up. Richard liked The Guy With The Hat, because he was so glad that there was somebody who had that as his chosen name, thus saving Richard the embarrassment. The Guy With The Hat liked Richard because he looked gullible as hell.

Headmistress Minerva McGonagall sat down in the Headmaster's Chair behind the table and eyed the students. She nodded to Deputy Headmaster Neville Longbottom who proceeded to call students up.

After about a dozen names, he called out "Cumwell, Richard."

Richard stood up and walked over to the chair. The hat sat puzzled for a moment. "There's an awful lot in your head boy."

Richard was frozen with fear. Was there really more to him that just plain old Richard?

"Hmm… you range the field. Difficult to read I'd say. But I sense a great desire to prove your worth, lots of ambition. Better be Slytherin!"

Neville lifted the hat off him. Several more names were called and then-

"Lecter, Lisbeth".

Lisbeth walked gracefully up to the stool. She sat down. The hat had barely touched her head when it shouted. "Slytherin!"

Lisbeth grinned appreciatively and walked over to the Slytherin table, choosing a chair as far away from Richard as possible.

After a mere half-dozen more names Professor Longbottom began to say a name but beneath the robes of the students a blue light flashed and hit him. There was a gasp, and Argus Filch shouted. "No magic in the corridors!"

"Looks like a tongue-tying curse," said one of the older Slytherin students.

The Guy With The Hat slowly slid his wand back into his pocket, nobody realizing it was him who cast the spell. Professor Longbottom just gagged and pointed. "Y-you. The one in the hat…"

He walked over to the stool and sat down. He refused to remove his hat, and Professor Longbottom grudgingly put the Sorting Hat on over his other hat. It took a moment. "Hmm, you're tricky."

"Really?" The Guy With The Hat asked.

"No! You know very well where you belong, young man. Get to Slytherin House!"

The Guy With The Hat sat down next to Richard.

"Glad you're with us," Richard smiled.

"Yeah, sure," The Guy With The Hat nodded eating a Chocolate Frog he'd stolen from the trolley. He looked at the card. "Oh, it's a Harry Potter card. I've got like five of these. Here you can have it."

"Thanks!" Richard said, taking the card.

"Something, Jokstica!" Professor Longbottom called. He then scanned the paper again, unconvinced that he had pronounced her name right. However as Jokstica walked up nervously he looked at her with a confused glance. "Really? That's your last name?"

There was a loud sob from the back of the line.

"I wasn't talking about you, Upfish, now quiet!" Professor Longbottom demanded.

The hat paused for a moment. "Hmm… another tricky one. You're good-hearted, a little naïve… yes. There's definitely brains there I can see that, even if you are a bit on the clumsy side. Perhaps Ravenclaw? No, no you're clever but Ravenclaw might be a bit much for you… then again there is ambition and even a dark sense of humor. Resourcefulness too… Better be safe. Slytherin!"

Jokstica got off the stool and ran over to the table. She crashed into Lisbeth who groaned in annoyance, but grudgingly let her sit beside her. She did, however, insist that Jokstica not cling to her like a child.

Finally the last name was called.

Richard looked eagerly and saw that Upfish had been assigned to Hufflepuff house.

"Damn," Richard said. Although he wasn't sure if he was upset that he wouldn't be able to make it up to him, or torment him further…

==_Hogwarts, Year 5_==

Richard and The Guy With The Hat had surprisingly become really good friends. Sure The Guy With The Hat had some fun with him, but overall he had to admit that Richard was alright, and worthy of his friendship. Just as long as he stayed out of his way. The two of them also had another trait in common. They were both Metamorphmagi: they could change their appearance at will. As such they were naturals at Transfiguration, but also had a shared interest in the Dark Arts.

The two of them hung out frequently with the girls, Jokstica and Lisbeth. Lisbeth was infatuated by the legend of Severus Snape one of the greatest potion-masters Hogwarts had ever seen. She studied Potions extra hard and Jokstica followed Lisbeth almost everywhere. Their friendship hadn't exactly been one-way, but Lisbeth considered her a friend of convenience, and even as stony and moody as she was, she had to admit that Jokstica was entertaining at times. They also chose to study Defense Against The Dark Arts, Jokstica out of concern for her mortal well-being and Lisbeth because she already knew enough dark arts to be getting on with.

To make matters more complicated Richard had what could only be described as an "on-again, off-again, thought he was in a relationship" with Lisbeth. Lisbeth refused to have anything to do with him, but Richard kept foolishly mistake her eternal disgust as simply playing "hard-to-get". The fact that she had on more than one occasion tried to curse his privates off did not seem to register with him, although him losing his penis had since then become the thing that a Boggart turned into when he was around.

"Alright!" Richard exclaimed one evening while sitting around the common room after their O.W.L.s. "I'm convinced I passed Transfiguration!"

"Oh bravo," Lisbeth sneered. "Anything else?"

Richard shrugged. "Nope. I know I failed Astrology, History of Magic, Defense Against The Dark Arts AND Potions. And I _skipped _Charms."

"Well aren't you just pleased as punch?" Lisbeth smirked. "I happen to have actually studied. I know I passed Defense and Potions at least."

"Me too!" Jokstica smiled as an afterthought.

"I didn't take any of the exams," The Guy With The Hat said.

"You skipped them all?!" Richard asked, clearly thinking that while skipping one was perfectly all right, skipping them all was insane.

"I'm not gonna waste my time on exams when that idiot Lockhart was hired to teach again. If it hadn't been for all those disasters I could have studied better. It's not _my _fault," The Guy With The Hat said simply.

"Yeah… poor Jokstica," Richard said looking over at her.

Jokstica quivered and Lisbeth condescended to pat her on the head gently.

"I just… didn't know he'd try to heal me when he's the one that broke my pelvis with that gargoyle statue… " Jokstica cried.

"Yep. _Brakium Emendo_," Richard said. "The spell so effective at healing wounds that your entire Pelvic bone was removed."

"And I had to grow it all back in one night with Skele-Gro," she whined.

"Oh!" Richard exclaimed, crossing his legs.

"Ah, so that's why they've started calling you Jelly Thighs," The Guy With The Hat nodded.

"And if that wasn't enough a damn House Elf kept her up all night," Lisbeth said, ceasing her patting.

"Damn you Winky," Jokstica snarled.

There was a crack. Winky the House Elf appeared in front of them.

"Did you call for Winky, Miss?" The House Elf asked.

Jokstica punted the little toerag and it disappeared with another loud crack.

"But no seriously," Richard said, calming down. "What are you going to do? They won't let you stay at Hogwarts with no O. ."

"I know," The Guy With The Hat said. "I'm doing an internship at the Ministry of Magic, Department of Mysteries. I'll be helping develop Time Turners. McGonagall approved it and said I can earn Hogwarts credit."

"So we won't see you at all for two years?" Lisbeth asked, crossing her fingers behind her back.

"No, not until Graduation. But I'll see you all there and I'll keep in touch," The Guy With The Hat nodded.

Lisbeth shrugged. "That's not necessary on my part."

"Who said I was writing to you?" The Guy With The Hat sniped.

==_Hogwarts, Year 7_==

The Hogwarts Graduation Ceremony was over. This year it was more of a farce then ever considering no student in the school passed more than one N.E.W.T., mostly thanks to Gilderoy Lockhart's bumbling. He was summarily dismissed during the ceremony, and the highlight was clearly McGonagall kicking him in the ass and hurl hexes at him as he ran out of the great hall.

"Don't worry about not having much magical education," McGonagall had tried to console them. "Many people go on to live good lives knowing nothing about Magic. Take David Blane. He's a famous performer in the Muggle World!"

The four friends walked through the castle for one last time before leaving to go on with their lives. As they grew near the dungeons they were stopped by a portrait of a knight riding a fat pony.

"What have we here?! Scoundrels and curs! And I think I see a mongrel!" Sir Cadogan shouted. "What business have you wandering the corridors?"

"Good day," Jokstica smiled. "Have you seen anything interesting?"

Sir Cadogan thought for a moment. "Hmm…. Yes I once saw my uncle do something with a garden hose that still haunts me to this day."

Jokstica and Richard looked on with horror. Lisbeth was ignoring him. That Guy With The Hat was nodding appreciatively, as though he understood the joke.

"Oh you mean right now. Oh, I can't say I have," Sir Cadogan replied casually.

"Piss off Sir Cadogan, you're bothering us," Richard chided.

"Now hold on, I've got something to say! Have you given any thought to your futures?" He asked.

"Well," Richard sighed. "I keep asking Lisbeth for a date, but she keeps turning me down."

Lisbeth , without looking or making any other acknowledgement gesture just simply responded "Never gonna happen."

"Perhaps you should think about the Ministry of Magic!" Cadogan continued.

"Hey Lisbeth. If I got a job at the Ministry of Magic would you-"

"No."

Jokstica turned to her. "What about if _I _got a job at the Ministry?"

Lisbeth stopped reading her copy of _Moste Potente Potions_ and gave her an appraising sort of look. "Depending upon how much you made… I'd consider it."

Sir Cadogan raised his eyebrow and there was a damning chink from behind his armor. "Oh, ho… Err. Now anyways! Irregardless of future dating prospects-"

"Irregardless isn't a word you dumb ass!" Richard chimed in.

"IN THE GAME OF LIFE," Cadogan shouted. Richard fell silent. "There are many roles you can play. Now in this 'roleplaying game' I personally would make it a Quest to go the Ministry of Magic. In fact you could say I would make it my… Main Quest."

And with that he rode off.

"Hey Guy With The Hat," Richard said (it was worth noting that after seven years of friendship he still didn't know his real name). "You worked in the Ministry of Magic. You must have some useful contacts. How about hooking me up with somebody from the Goblin Liason office?"

"Uh… yeah I might know one or two more. But they might be guys…"

"Whose to say that wouldn't work just as well for me?" Richard said. And there it was again. That uncanny sensation of somebody else taking control of his body. Richard had many odd quirks, but homosexuality was not one of them. Well… maybe that one time in the Prefects bathroom but that was a total misunderstanding. He was trying to give him mouth to mouth and he just… slipped.

"But there are four openings in the newly created Cauldron Thickness Standards Office," The Guy With The Hat went on, ignoring this.

"Nope," Richard said. "Don't want to work with Percy Weasley he's a twit."

"You're a twat," Lisbeth replied, going back to her book.

"And there are four openings in the Auror Office," The Guy With The Hat finished.

"I say we go work there. Let's get ourselves blasted into oblivion, it'll be great!" Richard smirked. "Although for those of us who are so inclined," He nodded towards Guy With The Hat, "Matey with the Hat, it'd be a good spot for some inside information, and the money is good."

"Wanna go into the Leaky Cauldron when we get back to London? It'd be a good place to get information," Jokstica suggested.

"Not really. I say we just head into Hogsmeade. Let's go to the Three Broomsticks," Richard replied.

==_The Three Broomsticks_==

It was business as usual at the Three Broomsticks, a group of about eleven people were crowding the bar but there was an open table at the back. Jokstica and Richard somehow got an idea in their heads to buy drinks for everybody to get them in a better mood. So pooling their funds to buy the entire bar a round of drinks the approached the barman.

There was a loud cheer from the crowd, and towards the back they heard one very faint "Meerrrrryy Chrissssttthhhhmatttthhhhhhh !"

There was a loud crack behind them and Richard turned to see that Guy With Hat had just Apparated behind him.

"Pissant!" Richard shouted. "Where have you been? I thought you were behind us this whole time?"

He looked over and saw Lisbeth give an annoyed look though she sat in the table in the back.

"That was at Hogwarts. I've been around. Done some things," The Guy With The Hat said. "Wanna have some fun?"

"How so?" Richard asked.

The Guy With The Hat handed Richard a Decoy Detonator.

"Um… thank you?" Richard asked.

"Don't worry about it, I used your money," The Guy With The Hat said. "Use that as a distraction then transform into the bartender and steal his cash."

"Why aren't you helping?" Richard asked.

"I did help," The Guy With The Hat said, boredly. "I bought you the Detonator."

"With my money!"

"Ah whatever. Just do it," he said.

Richard weighed his odds, but the crowd was far too drunk to notice anything. So he set off the Decoy Detonator outside. When the barman went outback to see what the ruckus was, he quickly hit him with _Petrificus Totalus_. He then used his Metamorphmagus skill to transform into a perfect replica of the barman and went inside. In one large rush he cleaned out the register and announced to the bar.

"Okay! I'm closing up this shop. Everybody take all the alcohol you want!"

Richard himself grabbed a bottle of Oak Matured Mead and sat down at the table with the Guy With The Hat, who gave him a high five. Richard resumed his original form.

Jokstica walked up to the two of them. "I just heard there's some rumors of suspicious activity in the Shrieking Shack."

"Shrieking Shack?" Richard said. "Hey that sounds like fun."

"I'll go check it out," The Guy With The Hat said. There was a pop, and a few miles away, near the Shrieking Shack there was a loud scream of agony.

"He hadn't passed his Apparition Test yet, had he?" Jokstica asked.

"Nope," Richard said.

"How badly splinched is he, doctor?" Jokstica asked.

Richard looked at a small piece of skin on the floor. "Well… at least now he won't need to be circumcised."


End file.
